Thursday, 24 January 2013

Happiness by default.

Last evening was I think a break through for me. I have tried not to burden anyone with my grief so have kept to lighter subjects. Just nonsense really but I know most people will understand.
However, there I was, playing backgammon whilst listening to the wonderful string quartet by Ravel used in Camomile lawn. I was winning and I suddenly realised that I was happy. Really happy, as I havnt been for quite a long time.
Then of course I stopped being happy and wept , tears of guilt and loss....how could I have been so selfish?
But then I realised....There are going to be times of happiness.....not just being content but real happiness. But those times will be interwoven with the feelings of loss... And this I know from experience.
I remembered how awful I felt the first time I was happy after my husband died. It was the 1997 election when Labour got in and in the dark watches of the night I found myself full of joy and then guilt and then joy again.
Last night was one of those times. It is natural to feel happy at times but so is the guilt that follows it.
I have been here before....I know the pain gets easier to bear, and that eventually happiness will be a normal way of life again .
Just for the moment I will accept the small shots as they happen....but with no guilt, no anxiety....life does go on.. And for most of my time on earth happiness has been my default position. Thank you God.

4 comments:

  1. Well said Jean. You have as you have said enough experience of the pain of loss to know that any escape into happiness is always accompanied by guilt.
    We feel guilty just for being here still when they are not, but in time a balance is found and that is what I am praying for, for you.
    One day at a time.......
    Blessings.

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    1. Thank you Ray. I value your comments and prayers. God bless!

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  2. Jean, it's alright to be happy and as you have experienced, grief can reside alongside it - I see it as God's grace working in the situation, showing you that glorious light of being fully human that is his intention for us all.

    I know that our bereavements in recent years were very much the same, but somehow we also had joy and laughter mixed in with the pain. Particularly talking of those we've lost and remembering the good times while the bad times seem to fade a little.

    My lovely Uncle died on my birthday in October 2012. I was devastated by it, particularly as his own children (my cousins) were causing such pain to his long term partner over funeral arrangements and the house and money. But Margaret despite her tears and grief had the time to comfort me, when it should have been the other way around.

    After the funeral she and we were not invited to the Wake, so made our own, which was small but joy and laughter filled as we remembered 'Daniels' good times and the antics he got up to.

    Even now, more than a year later, it's still a little raw - but we remember him in fondness and love.

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