Last evening was I think a break through for me. I have tried not to burden anyone with my grief so have kept to lighter subjects. Just nonsense really but I know most people will understand.
However, there I was, playing backgammon whilst listening to the wonderful string quartet by Ravel used in Camomile lawn. I was winning and I suddenly realised that I was happy. Really happy, as I havnt been for quite a long time.
Then of course I stopped being happy and wept , tears of guilt and loss....how could I have been so selfish?
But then I realised....There are going to be times of happiness.....not just being content but real happiness. But those times will be interwoven with the feelings of loss... And this I know from experience.
I remembered how awful I felt the first time I was happy after my husband died. It was the 1997 election when Labour got in and in the dark watches of the night I found myself full of joy and then guilt and then joy again.
Last night was one of those times. It is natural to feel happy at times but so is the guilt that follows it.
I have been here before....I know the pain gets easier to bear, and that eventually happiness will be a normal way of life again .
Just for the moment I will accept the small shots as they happen....but with no guilt, no anxiety....life does go on.. And for most of my time on earth happiness has been my default position. Thank you God.