Since David was diagnosed with a brain tumour we have tried very hard to keep everything normal...we have stayed with our routines , eaten well enjoyed food, worn the same clothes for the same occasions.
We know everything is not normal....he knows that only too well but we are not ever going to start feeling sorry for ourselves.
This dark emotion engulfed me as a young woman. I did indulge in self pity some of the time until one day I caught myself at it!
Why did I have to have an alcoholic father? Why me Lord? Why did I have no one to give me nice presents when all my friends did? Why was I always the worst dressed at any outing?
The list was long and very self indulgent and one day I heard myself moaning...I realised how very unattractive it made me to be always banging on about all the things I had not got, had never had!
It was as sudden a revelation as I can remember. I realised that far from feeling sorry for me the friends, acquaintances, relations who heard my misery must be just totally fed up with me.
That moment of self realisation changed my life....every time after that I stopped dead if the faintest hint of self pity crept into my thoughts or when I was talking to people.
Self pity is an ugly emotion...if life gets hard and it does for us all at times we just have to get on with it....
As I help David into the clothes I've laid out for him I am genuinely thankful. Here is a man I love who needs my help....it is a privilege to be in this position....never a chore.
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2 comments:
[*] As always, prayers, hugs and love.
I have to admit that I've often felt sorry for myself, particularly in the last year or so as I got over not being accepted at BAP, that feeling of rejection runs deep and takes a lot of time, prayer and literally counseling from my SD to see and to get past it.
Now, with a move to a new parish and new hope of finally getting someone to look at a possible vocation holistically instead of a failed Ordinand, it seems possible to lay all of the past at the foot of the cross and to finally move on.
Closure is something we all need, even if it's just a good bye and good luck - my current parish are planning stuff to say goodbye which I've tried to avoid like the plague, but I need to face it with good heart because I know that I still love them, I just can't love the diocese which has allowed me to linger and to fester for the past 18 months.
Eureka, there is life and hope and it's not the church slamming the doors on me, just pointing me through the Holy Spirit where I should have been from the outset. Thanks be to God.
None of us would find it easy to cope with the disappointment and rejection you had to cope with.. I am really glad you are moving on geographically as well as mentally. I hope your next parish find a use for your talents!
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