Blogging has it's problem but it also has it's golden moments and there have been several of those this week....
To blog is to share, to some degree to download, to express verbally the inner turmoil and dread which visits me every morning on waking.
To see David every day growing weaker is the probably the worst thing I have ever had to do in a life not short of disasters.
One way of dealing with the anxiety is to walk. I find myself walking every room in the house.....something I did after the first David died ....
Here I have the huge garden. Having no dog now I still walk round it several times a day, secure in the knowledge that I am alone.
The high hedgerows mean that I don't see my neighbours much and I can walk and sing as I go and this does help....and it is why David had the path built...so that I can walk every day without having to change my shoes each time!
It helps relieve my tension just as surely as blogging does....some days I will walk right round several times in quick succession, on others I go slowly, stepping off the path to examine a plant, a primrose or the daffodils springing up!
Having the garden to myself is essential when I'm miserable. There is always something new happening..at every point of the year. The hedgerows are their own source of joy...the ancient Cornish stone covered with equally ancient flowers , foxglove, bluebells, ladies bed straw...all waiting now for their turn in the sun.
Walking the path is a solace and a joy too, watching the seasons change. It is David's last huge gift to me... And for that reason my solitary meanderings have become even more precious. I am aware of anything new and any alien visitation gets my attention. ...it is part of the grieving process for me. Nature is cyclical after all. Dieback is an essential part of the process, followed by new growth. We still have a rose flowering from last year. Some rose hips still hang lusciously, the huge fat camellia buds lie in wait for the warmth of the sun to open...
"We are nearer Gods heart in a garden than anywhere else on earth." Good words. I've forgotten who wrote them.
There is beauty in everything...even in death. Thank you God.