This morning I walked along the sea wall through the village. Tomorrow I am taking the midweek communion service at the little church. I met two of the regulars whilst I strolled...it was OK, I can do this now. They reassured me that if by chance I should stumble or show my emotion everyone would understand. I must not worry.
This is a very reasonable statement but it reminded me that it's not long since I took the first service there after my son died when much the same comfort was offered to me.
The only way I can get through Lent without showing emotion is to stop myself from feeling, to suppress any stray memories as they occur.
There is one problem with this. My whole approach to God and His Son is emotional. I am filled with love whilst I preside and whilst I preach. Keeping my emotions at bay is a tall order for me at the best of times...
A wobble in the voice , a strained note in a response is normal for me...so I must try to somehow isolate my grief, try to be matter fact, to make a joke occasionally....
I can do this...There's no music in a midweek so there will be no triggers to start me off. I can do this and indeed I should do this. Getting back to work is a very good thing as I tell my bereaved people frequently....
I must remember that in the morning!
God is love and those who live in love live in God. And God lives in them.
Having written that yesterday I am now up, dressed in my working gear and almost ready to go! On days like this I fully realise just what David did for me and for the church.
He left the house just after eight o'clock to prepare the church so that when I got there all we needed to do was light the candles.
He had the keys which I have handed over so if I get there alone I can't even get into the vestry!
When it was time he took me to church which is up a twisty steep hill which defeated all my attempts at parking successfully. Then he picked up all the old ladies who couldn't make it on their own.
David was a support in so many ways that I'm only really appreciating them now he's gone....
I shall park at the bottom of the hill and walk up it!
The only scratches on the car are David's.....I am not going to add any of my own if I can help it!
The odd prayer might be useful today!