After any death there is always guilt. If only I'd done that! Maybe if I'd listened more... we ask ourselves endlessly what we might have done that could have changed the course of events.
In my job now I meet the bereaved. I comfort them I conduct the service they have planned for themselves or for others . I sometimes know the person whose died but sometimes it's a stranger so I often ask for a photo....I need to focus on the actual person and not rely on the thoughts and emotions of others...
Nothing brings the emotions closer to the surface than an unexpected death. Bewilderment is followed by grief but also disbelief , confusion, and of course pain.
This morning I am facing something else. Anger....not just my anger but that of other people.
Anger is destructive....it can engulf a relationship.. This is why when my first husband died in his fifties I took my anger onto deserted beaches where I could shout at God without being over heard.
To inflict this anger on anyone else is foolish but also deeply arrogant....it is to assume that your grief, your loss, your anger is more important than anyone else's...
It has to be expressed I think but better to express it by hitting an inanimate object, than a verbal tirade.
Loss, the loss of someone important to your future is so full of pain that it's often hard to see anything else....
I have a house filled with cards and flowers right now.....I am grateful for all the support I'm getting.....and for my darling husband David...who is living proof that there is life after death...the human soul can survive such loss.
Three days after my dog died my son died too.......I can finally say it.