I decided yesterday that I do have to do Christmas this year so I ordered a new small Christmas tree to replace the one that virtually fell apart last year. It was a start at least.
After the first David died I was not going to bother with Christmas at all. I had written a modern nativity play for the local church but knew that I couldn't actually go to church for fear of hearing carols being sung.
But on Christmas Eve I did finally put up a tree. Done in haste but it was a gesture.
One of our old friends then turned up so I cooked and we sat into the early hours playing Monoply on my computer. That was a great novelty back in 1997.
I didn't go to church. I knew I would weep far too much so I took Major my old golden for a long walk following the path of the river . Silver ice covered everything. Hanging over the water were spindle trees with bright red fruits over orange seeds. Everything looked very beautiful. I paid homage to the Christ child on my own that morning out in the wilds of Essex.
This year there's no dog, no children, no joy. But I shall decorate the trees, cook and play daft games as usual.
Some family members are coming and we will go to see those who arnt. Life does go on.
Last year my son spent Boxing Day with us. He enjoyed lobster and oysters for the first time.
And by night we were all throwing up. Back to a bird this year I think!