The rain is battering on the windows. It's six o'clock in the morning and I am gripped by a morbid fear....I have tried to analyse what I feeling...and to my astonishment I realise that I recognise it....I have had it before. It is akin to stage fright.
In my acting days it turned up when I least expected it. It only stopped me dead in my tracks once and that was in Bolton Little theatre when I opened the play, "The Country Wife" I strode out onto a dark stage, the light shone on me and I dried! It didn't last long....the words came back after a few agonising seconds but the fear after that engulfed me far too often..
There were so many things to go wrong apart from remembering lines. Moving across the set, using the props in the right place, getting difficult parts of a costume right...and it's exactly akin to how I'm feeling now.
David is being picked up by ambulance to take him for his first radio therapy session. There are so many small details to get right...not least that we both have our keys to get back in because we have to travel separately!
I must remember to try to arrange for the heating people to arrive when someone's home...it's chilly in here!
I am meeting a firm who installs chair lifts after we get home....there are just too many balls to keep in the air and for the first time it has made me nervous.
Writing this is a help! I can feel my anxiety subside as I tap the keys.
I just don't want anything to go wrong!
My darling David was so big, so strong, so intelligent that trying to get the old David back is worth all the present problems....
We are both aware that the treatment won't kill the tumour, but it can stop it in its tracks....we have one friend who had one zapped 20 years ago and is still lively both mentally and physically!
We are told that sometimes the treatment works very fast....improvements appear very quickly. So a lot is hanging on today..
I can play no part in the medical side, I am just the emotional support..... This is is never going to be about me....it's my darling I am anxious for....he is now so very frail....and the sound of battering wind and rain is not helping!
I am praying and I know many of you are too.....this does help. Thank you all.