Monday, 24 February 2014

Being alone.

Over the last few days several people have said words to the effect of...."Of course you should not be on your own in that great big old house...."

Oh to explain that that is the only good thing in a whole catalogue of catastrophes.

It is big, it is old, it is rambling but it's home....Mine and David's home....our home. It's not pretty...or tarted up. It's just home with all that implies.

Being in it, on my own is what I need right now....I am fine....just me and God and the essence of David.

Several people at the funeral made a comment afterwards to the effect that the church had contained David's spirit, that day, that it had come through the ether and made itself felt to those who knew him well. Certainly I felt this on the day but now I also feel it here at home...

There is the necessity of clearing some things, sorting through others and trying to bring some order into chaos. This for the moment is my job..Every day I tackle a new problem.....but I'm not doing it on my own...David is with me all the way and no I'm not going potty ....well no more than I always was!

When the first David died I heaped all his paper work onto the dining room table and made piles. The process took the best part of a year....

Here David's office is next to is small and warm...I sit in David's chair and sort things out..chatting as I go. I am not alone...his essence is in every room but especially in his office with his books, his photographs and his memories carefully stored for his boys.

The rest of the house feels the same...I am not alone here....the silence and the peace are helping me heal..thanks be too God .


  1. I understand why so many people thought you ought not to be on your own, but, I also know that for some of us there is a great need to 'feel' the presence of the one who has gone.
    My house is tiny but it felt so warm and comfortable, like a comfort blanket, in the immediate days and weeks after John's death.
    The support and love of other people is wonderful and necessary, but so is the need for quiet and space to re-balance one's life. Prayers for
    God's healing and balm for your great loss will be a daily part of your physical and cyber friends' lives.
    Love X

  2. What a lovely post. We might be physically separated by death, but love transcends even death -that's quite obvious to me from reading your words.

    And I think that you're quite right to do it 'your way' and not allow others to influence how you deal with your grief - no one has the right to do so, and hopefully they'll have the sense to see that and leave well alone.

    [*] and {{{Hugs}}} continue.