Thursday, 20 February 2014

Feeling safe

Life returns to normal now....except normal includes David and he's not here anymore.

Normal for now is trying to do all the things we have always done....Normal is eating at lunch time or dinner time, not just grabbing a biscuit in passing.

Normal is popping into the village for small errands. Normal is never going to be what it was ever again.

I've been a widow before....I can do this....I have to build a new normal now.....

Yesterday's challenge was to take on the electricity bill. David did a direct debit monthly . Getting it changed to me took over an hour yesterday... Mostly it was my ignorance compounded by the solar tiles on our roof.... It was my good fortune to find an intelligent articulate woman on the other end of the line. I think I've done it now!

Slowly I am coming to terms with all the things that need to change...and working my way through old bills,

Before the tumour took charge of David's head he was a very organised manager..but for the last six months of his life he had done nothing...chaos reigns in his office so I am spending most of my time sifting through a mass of paper...this activity is punctuated by tears, occasional wails and the phone ringing....

The number of invitations is bewildering and until last night there was a blanket refusal to everyone.

The one I said yes to was from the kind lady who took us to the hospital every day for the radio therapy. I feel safe with her and her husband...which is a strange statement but it's how I feel right now!

I know she is not going to try to persuade me into doing anything I don't want to do. So I won't have to waste energy explaining myself.

Pastoral care for some is written in stone but the grieving process is different for everyone...what is right for me would be wrong for someone else.

Being on my own for most of the time is essential for me...it's not for prayer exactly but it is the time for listening , for talking to the God I'm so cross with.....He is still part of my life and now is the time to let Him back in...

With the help of God I can......

2 comments:

  1. Even at this early stage you are so organised it's incredible Jean.
    Trying to sort out paper-work (which I had always avoided like the plague), even given John's methodical systems was a total nightmare for me. Not only have I been terrified of figures all my life, but my blood pressure soared at the idea of having to take charge.
    I think I've said before that one of my neighbours (about 10 years old)
    is a building society manager, and helped me sort what needed to be done, arranged appointments for me with the bank etc. and even came with me to them.
    You appear to be more than capable of doing all those things by yourself, but, if you do get overwhelmed just throw yourself on the mercy of a bank manager or someone similar. It's surprising how kind and helpful people will be if asked for help.
    That way too you can talk to people when you choose and give yourself the necessary solitude to reflect and find yourself.
    Don;t try to do everything all at once.
    Love and hugs and prayers.

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    1. Any impression I am giving that I am organised is not really true Ray...I am bumbling from place to place in a haze most of the time. I write my blog often in the early hours when it's easy to be organised. I'm afraid I've also had to chicken out of this evenings meal...sadly at lunch time I realised I just couldn't make it so it's postponed for a while...
      I know you've travelled this route so your insights are valuable to me but don't be fooled by my attempts at bravado! Xxx

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