Saturday, 15 February 2014

Looking backwards

The brain is working over time right now.... David, now dead a week is still the focuss of my thoughts as they try to make some sense of what has happened.

Looking back now I can recall small clues along the way, pointing to his illness which at the time I ignored or just attributed to old age...we all forget things after all.

The real problem started last summer when I was down to do the Lifeboat service on the quay.

David had what I now know was a small fit. He was frightened and so was I. I asked a good friend to sit with him whilst I did the service. That was the last time I left his side.

Throughout the months he had several of these episodes when he would grab me and hold on tight till they had passed.

The only place we went to was the church. If I took a service David would come with me.

Soon that was not possible either. I gave up doing anything in church...I was needed at home.

David could not bear to be on his own. If I worked he sat with me...we went to bed very early...I never left him on his own during this period, even my trips round the garden were brief with one eye back to the front door.

Christmas was marked by no Carol services though we did put up a tree and eat the traditional huge meals! He sent no cards at all.

Once the radio therapy started David's decline became very marked. Everyone said it would exhaust him but this was beyond tiredness....he rapidly got to the stage where he needed a wheel chair.

At home we stayed upstairs...where our sitting room looks out at Falmouth...I only left him to go down for food.

Now at home on my own I am free to go out, to do things on my own but I find I don't want to. I miss him so much. His essence lies in every room...I circumnavigate the house and the garden feeling his presence and it comforts me.

Even on a day like today suffering the aftermath of the massive series of storms which have battered everyone in this part of Cornwall I have no wish to go out...I need to be near him as much as he needed to be with me.

Lord, hear my prayer.

1 comment:

  1. This seems to me to be quite a natural thing to do. Being where you shared so much life and love with David is precious and part of the grieving process, which I suspect, given what you've been through in the last year or so, might be a combination of what has happened before and more recently.

    As always, prayers and {{{Hugs}}} and hope that this period brings some peace. I know that you have still to face the funeral, and we will be alongside you in prayer and spirit as you go forward to that.

    Hoping that your support network is bringing you essentials and comfort xx