Thursday, 27 March 2014

Order out of chaos.

Weird things happen during a period of bereavement. I am still waking very early in the morning but I have slept which is better than I did the last time!

I am also eating but with very tiny is mostly irrelevant and I am doing no cooking at all. I loved cooking for David and he enjoyed his food a lot , especially his puddings but as there's only me and not even a dog on hand to do the eating up I am buying ready dinners which last over two meal times!

This has had an unexpected result....all my skirts are hitting the ground as I walk.

Waistbands, once snugly in place are now hanging from my hips! I like the lowered hems a lot but have to hoist them up like a Victorian lady at court to get up and down the stairs!

I have adopted several of David's huge sweaters and cardigans. It feels good to wear something he wore but it does mean that in the comfort of my home and garden I have more than a passing resemblance to a bag lady.

I cancelled David's "Times" so I have no idea what's on the TV. It really doesn't matter much at all but today a friend reminded me that I'd missed an episode of " Rev" Thank goodness for the I player.

All of these problems will resolve themselves in time.....sleep, TV , they are all temporary....real life is just around the corner!

I am still wandering around the garden a lot but I have now started pruning things, noticing all the camellias and the bright green buds appearing on everything. I am aware of the beauty all around me which does help .....

The paper work still arrives daily but I am treating it all as a job. I tackle a new problem every day...and I am getting there now....addresses have been changed, direct debits moved to my account, order is slowly occurring where chaos reigned just a short time month will be even better....

There are bound to be things I've missed....things I've misunderstood but slowly my life is now returning to what will soon be normal. You see there is a God.


  1. It's good to hear that you are emerging from the 'smog' which clouds everything at this time.
    I recognise most of the things you are noticing particularly the lack of interest in food and the resultant disappearance of hips etc.
    This happened to me in the same way and lasted quite a long time, but eventually everyday events reappeared from the mist and an interest in (eating not cooking) food led to waist expansion and the disappointing re-emergence of spare tyres.
    That feeling of being apart from what is going on around you is I think, part of nature's way of protecting you from unwanted outside contact at a time when you need to find yourself again.
    I'm so glad you live in such a beautiful part of the world, though it can be heart-wrenching at times.
    Love and prayers as always Jean.X

    1. Thank you for that Ray…..being on my own is very important to me right now for all the reasons you mention but some people here don't have the insight to realise that its a part of the process,…..Im afraid I am learning to rebuff the more persistent ones….Its very good to find a kindred spirit in this…thank you!

  2. I suspect that most people think that the bereaved need too have company and be comforted. Perhaps it's an instinct or they themselves believe that they can't cope on their own, and are unable to believe that you might be different.

    I know that when a good friend Ann died recently, I went to see her husband the day after, but just to cry together. We'd known each other for over 20 years and while we didn't live in each others pockets, the friendship was steadfast and we just picked up where we left off last time we met. Ann's death was a shock, she went into hospital for a routine operation, but died on the table. Totally unexpected and desperately sad.

    Mick was still in shock the following day, but had close family around him, so my visit was brief no more than 30 minutes and we agreed to meet again a week later and than next at the funeral. He needed time and space before and after the funeral, which was delayed due to the involvement of the Coroner for an unexpected death - and he had all of the implication of that to resolve, let alone all of the paperwork that you describe.

    Now, he's settling and I'm going to visit again next week, some four weeks after the funeral. He's known that we're here if he needed us and that was sufficient for him and for us.

    Good manners mean that we find it difficult to say no, particularly at our lowest points - but I'm really glad that you're able to do so and perhaps some of those persistent ones that you mention might just be getting the message.

    Prayers and hugs continue from North Kent.