Short of an emergency I am not working this weekend. The very last thing I need right now is to conduct a service for Mothering Sunday. I did do one shortly after my daughter died but things have moved on since then.....and I don't need to celebrate it at all right now.
I have planned to take myself out for a walk today...if I live in the most beautiful place on earth....and I do, then it's time to start taking advantage of the glory all around me.
I have allowed my mind to wander around all the places I used to walk with the dog.....and reached the startling conclusion that some of them are now out of reach by virtue of my driving David's car.
It's much bigger than my little beetle, and not as rugged as the Discovery I drove for ten years after the first David died. I lack the confidence to take the second David's car down the lanes where meeting another vehicle brings the need for reversing, often for a long way round little twisty bends in the road.....not only is it a much wider car, my body is not as supple now and driving with half my body hunched around is neither comfortable or safe.....
There are still plenty of places I can reach easily enough but so can everyone else and this is another part of the problem.....where ever I go I meet people I know....
I am aware of being thought anti social....someone this week suggested I may be getting too introspective...she obviously thought this was not a good thing but it's what I need right now....to stand looking out on great beauty , to be aware of the goodness of life and of the cyclical progression of nature through the seasons is to start to come to terms with loss, to realise that death is not the final episode of a life but the gateway into a new sort of consciousness.
To wander lonely as a cloud is something I aspire to....it's a good way of shaking off the tears as I contemplate the fast emerging new growth all around me. The season of die back has passed, new life springing from the debris of the old is evident where ever I look.
I have so much to be thankful for...so as I amble through life now it is the good, the beautiful, the joy I take with me...and to realise that fully I need to be on my own....if this is introspection so be it!