Monday, 2 June 2014


There is one prevailing feeling today. Fear is too strong. Anxiety too pale. Somewhere in between is this dread...that I am going to forget something important .

In two weeks time I am flying to Madeira. I've done it before both on my own and with David but since then I've got soft.....leant too heavily on my knight in shining armour, been a wife.

Trying to unlearn this feeling of being taken care of is the hardest part of widowhood. The brain says one thing, the heart another...I can over think the whole thing and get bogged down in a morass of detail or I can bury my head in the sand and just get on with's that for mixed metaphors?

I wake up in the night thinking....visas, estas all the separate bits of paper. And then I thank The Lord that I am equipped for dealing with most things..and that Madeira is in the common market.'s just daunting to get all the ducks in the right row on time.

Since writing that I've been into the village to get some money...enough cash in pounds to pay people I owe money to and euros for the trip. The post office do euros...this saves a trip into Truro but I had to produce proof of indentity . Being asked for this by a person who knows me perfectly well simply adds to the general air of confusion. It is almost surreal . However my driving license did the trick...whilst several people I knew waited patiently behind me!

I am sure my mental state will improve as time goes by but right now the dithering is taking over!


  1. I think you are very brave to be even contemplating such a trip on your own, far braver than I ever was.
    The being used to having someone else to do all the planning, paper-work phone-calls etc is quite a difficult one to overcome, it took me ages.
    Now I am aware that what I don't do, no-one will and that spurs me on when I run out of steam. (Quite a common phenomenon.)
    I found it quite insulting to be considered part of a pair with no identity of my own and it was made worse by the fact that I have no driving licence.
    They used to look at me with pity as if to say "poor thing, she can't even drive".
    These days I act with absolute confidence and it fools everybody.

  2. Bless you Ray....I am sure your confidence is well founded! Also remember this is my second took much longer the first time...about ten years in fact!

  3. Dithering can affect all of us from time to time. I spent 18 months dithering about moving parishes until I got a grip of myself, said that it' time to change and made the decision and announced it.

    Giving myself plenty of notice was a wise thing to do - because there were lots of things to be untangled, and people to thank and to say farewell to. There was also the new place to consider and what they might think - I'm I just using them to get a foot on the slippery ladder of training?

    But all of that is in the past. Leaving went as well as could be expected and I made the wise decision that I won't be going back any time soon (to the parish that is - I still see friends there). The new place has absorbed me, amazed me, and loved me in equal measure. Suddenly it feels like the real home and the dithering a dim memory. Loads happening. Last Sunday we had a Belvedere Church day, where all of the churches came together and worshipped together as 'The Church in Belvedere' not Churches!

    We made a commitment to each other to be ambassadors of Christ in our village - something to work and pray for. Exciting times and I've got induction for training in July, with a start date of September.

    God works within us and with us (if we let him). He knows about our dithering, but allows us to do so, because it's also about growth and relearning how things can be or might be. I can see this in your courage in taking the step to regaining a sense of independence with your holiday. Rebuilding the resilience that you possess in abundance, but lovingly put on the back burner with David. All strength to your elbow as the saying goes :)

    1. Thank you Earnie.....I hope all your plans work out well for you! I like the sound of your new parish!

  4. Dithering comes with age I think !!!!
    I can dither over absolutely anything. As for going on holiday well....... I double and indeed treble check everything. So Jean you are not alone I know exactly how you're feeling. We call it the 'What if it snows' syndrome x