Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Getting a grip!

Life returning back to normal includes some Sunday services, the odd midweek communion and room for prayer.
People here who know I am "back at work" have been very kind and considerate. I am greeted warmly and hugged and old friends try to make sure that I am protected from the angst that happens in small communities at times.
So today I am feeling bad because yesterday I was asked to do something I simply couldn't do.
There were people coming to the house. I was waiting in for a parcel. My day was already full when a request came to drive an old friend over to the north coast for an urgent need to be fulfilled.
I couldn't do it. Quite apart from my need to be at home I felt a rush of anxiety at the thought of driving so far!
It would have taken about an hour and a half to get there and the same to get back. Parking would have been difficult.
I just couldn't do it!
So this morning I feel wretched.
I want to ring my friend to make sure someone else turned up to help. But guilt has set in now!
Trying to analyse why I am feeling so bad I realise that some of it is because I was helped so much in my hour of need that it feels reprehensible to have failed to help when I was asked to do it.
This is I am aware still part of the grieving process. I am not as sturdy either mentally or physically as I used to be.
It's almost as though I used up my resources during the period of looking after David and there's none left now!
Getting back to what used to be normal for me may never be possible...I really don't know!
All I can do is my best what ever that may be at any one time....and pray of course...Lord hear my prayer!

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