Saturday, 15 October 2016


Since my dear friend Michael died a few months ago I have been in a period of introspection which is mostly foreign to me...
Having lost two husbands and both of my children in the last years I find myself for the first time being aware of my own temporary hold on life....this is not morbid I don't believe...I am not spending my days planning for death but I am aware that I'm no longer going on for ever!
I visited an old friend yesterday .
She is a decade older than me and has recently lost two good friends and together we drank tea and viewed our lives....the years that have passed and those that lie ahead of us...
We are agreed on one thing...neither of us want to stay alive once we get to the stage of struggling , to strenuously preserve life once you've got to our stage feels wrong for both of us.
She is a doctor, from a church family and growing up in a vicarage coloured her views from a very early age. On my journey to ordination she was unfailing in her support and gave me a lot of good practical advice.
Our conversation was not gloomy, we just reviewed our prospects...with quite a lot of laughter....
We are both still driving, we both shop on line , we chat as we go!
It was an interesting conversation and as always she gave me good advice...
So this week I will I think start the "being old" process.
I will ring Lifeline.
Michael tried to get me to do this but at the time I was refusing to even contemplate my approaching frailty.
But it does now make sense...
A friend here in the village fell in his bathroom a little while took hours before he managed to get help...he also tells me the time has I will stop pretending I'm still young and mobile...I will at least listen to what's on offer...which seems to be mostly wearing an alarm around the press in dire moments to summon help!
Living on my own in splendid isolation in a remote ancient farmhouse is fine for the moment...but I have to get real.
My conversation with the person I talked to about my car insurance started this process...there was an audible gasp when I revealed my age...
So it's becoming depressingly real! I am old! It is time to think the impossible...that I won't go on for ever!
And I might at some stage need help! But not yet!

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