Waking early yet again there is much too much time to think. And I admit to being worried. What happened on my birthday has left me anxious about all sorts of things, not least that I seem to be perfectly happy with my new life of isolation. I don’t actually want to go out just now. I don’t really want to see people even those I like or even love. I have faced up to the fact that the thought of going out is actually frightening now. Why? I’ve always liked people , always enjoyed social occasions...now I don’t. I am perfectly happy with my isolation.
Friends arriving soon are not making me feel happy. I am for the first time in my life wanting to avoid old friends if I can without upsetting them. I feel safe at home. Especially when I hear that second waves of the pandemic are hitting other countries now. There is so much that we don’t know, so staying safely on my own seems like the best idea for the moment. I think this is something I must try to fight. I don’t want to be this scared old woman, frightened of going out with friends.. This is not the real me. But it is starting to feel normal. Oh dear! The sound of traffic outside yesterday convinces me that the holiday makers are now here in numbers. So those are the people I must avoid....if I can. But I don’t much like the woman who wants to avoid people...this is not the real me...and I think I must fight it...eventually...but not yet...there’s plenty of time after August when they’ve all gone home. Oh dear!
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1 comment:
For a change today, I didn't wake until 0645, I wondered why the cats were sitting looking at me as if I had two heads? They are normally fed by 05.30 am. I fed them, had a quick wash and shave and went out to deliver some items to leave a a friends door, then to church to sort out my robes and books as I I am unlikely to be there until September, as Jen is due to be discharged from Hospital by 10th August and she will return to a house where a whole new bathroom is being fitted for her (and my) benefit making it easier for her to live at home, with carers coming in for the first six weeks. After that we will be on our own unless we pay for ongoing care, we will be means tested for that and probably have to pay the whole bill. We also may need to install a stair life, but at the moment the occupational health people are advising against taking too many hasty decisions as Jen might make a recovery good enough to manage the stairs.
I know I want her home, but have concerns that will only be settled when she is actually here and living as near to a normal life as possible.
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