No Christmas here.

After a very busy week I am having a quiet day. That’s my plan anyway.
I am still not going to church ...and if solemn music fills the airwaves I switch it off...I’m not in the mood for hymn singing.....
I wish the circumstances of my retirement had not put me at odds with the church, by which of course I mean the Anglican version.
My mind plays with the idea of driving to the next village for non conformist worship but right now even that feels wrong.
Here next Sunday they are giving me my retirement service.
Is there time to leave the country?
My only relative living close by is coming with me. And I will cope. I think.
But today I am still in bed at a time when I would normally be doing the eight am communion.
I am not complaining but I regret the feeling of not belonging...of being a loose canon, of just not fitting comfortably into the slot I’d made for myself any more..
I have friends. I will get on with packing for the next cruise after I have got next week out of the way.
Trying to explain why I don’t want to be at home for Christmas has become almost a routine....
But the Christmas I remember vividly was the one where my son and husband were with me when I cooked our dinner on Boxing Day ,having conducted three services the day before. Who could then have guessed that neither of them would survive till the next one.
So , this moment of gloom won’t last...I’ve got too much to do once I’m up.
On wards and upwards ....I can do this. I think.



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